Erections – we want them, we have them… and then they’re gone

As a student of somatic sexology, I was taught that premature ejaculation (PE) was the most common issue younger men* would seek help for. At the older end of the spectrum, I was told to expect more clients experiencing erectile difficulty (ED) or struggling to achieve orgasm.

That was over a decade ago, and at the time, it felt accurate.

More recently, though, I’ve noticed an uptick in men presenting with difficulty either maintaining an erection or ejaculating, and at the more extreme end, an inability to do so with a partner at all. ED appears to be trending younger, and quickly.

What does this look like?

These men often report high arousal in the early stages of a partnered sexual encounter and are able to achieve an erection. However, as the encounter progresses, particularly when attempting penetration, they quickly lose it.

What often follows is a familiar pattern: a shift into mutual masturbation, with a tendency toward tight gripping and a growing sense of urgency in the pursuit of orgasm. Alternatively, the encounter may end altogether, leaving one or both people feeling frustrated, ashamed, or rejected.

Why is this happening?

It’s easy to blame porn, and I think that’s part of the picture.

Much of today’s porn is made up of short, high-intensity clips: brief moments of interaction followed by repeated “money shots,” delivered in an endless stream. This conditions arousal toward intensity, novelty, and control - rather than mutual, responsive intimacy between two living, breathing people.

But this isn’t just about porn. It reflects a broader shift in how we consume media. Our attention spans are shrinking, and our capacity to stay present with slower, more nuanced experiences is decreasing.

Sex, unfortunately, doesn’t always compete well with that.

Where to from here?

Across a lifetime, it’s completely normal for erectile reliability to change. Testosterone naturally declines, and factors like medication, stress, and health conditions all play a role. At “sex school,” we sometimes referred to this as “inevitable D”, difficulty, rather than dysfunction.

The good news? There’s a lot we can do.

The less convenient news? There’s no quick fix.

Relearning arousal often involves a process similar to reducing social media use; you might notice restlessness, a craving for intensity, or a pull back toward old habits. Part of the work is learning to sit with experiences that feel more “ordinary,” and discovering the richness within them.

This is where skilled, interactive erotic educators can make a difference. In my Interactive Erotic Education sessions we use play, laughter, shared experience, tracking the nervous system together, and genuine human connection, to help expand what pleasure can look like.

Often, the work begins by shifting focus away from the genitals altogether. The goal isn’t just to “fix” erections, but to rewrite the script, to move beyond a narrow model of sexual relating and into something more flexible, connected, and satisfying.

Crucially, this process invites you to slow down. With the support of an attuned and experienced practitioner, you can receive real-time feedback, build awareness, and find a rhythm that works with your body - not against it.

*In this article, I use the term “men” for simplicity. I am primarily referring to people assigned male at birth, including cis men and some non-binary people. Some trans women and transfeminine people may also relate to these experiences, although factors such as hormone use can change how this shows up, and are not explored here.