Sexual Scripts – what are they and do we need to throw them away?

A script is a culturally informed and widely shared belief, often unspoken, that shapes accepted behaviour and norms. A sexual script, then, is the shared idea that sexual intimacy follows a specific sequence of events or should look a certain way.

Sexual scripts have shifted over time, evolving alongside movements toward greater equality, beginning (in recent history) with early feminism and continuing into the information-saturated age we live in today.

I remember pouring over a 1970s edition of The Joy of Sex, complete with delicate line drawings of tangled bodies in various forms of embrace, and, of course, great forests of pubic and underarm hair. It was hot, I was hot, and it was relatively slow to consume. It took patience to read the words and imagination to see myself in the scenarios it described.

I am not claiming it had everything right. I imagine it elevated penetration, specifically a man penetrating a woman, as the finale. Before that came kissing, stroking, and perhaps oral sex, ideally reciprocated. These were the touchstones leading up to that final act.

But it was slow. And believe me when I say slow is good.

When we slow down, we can literally, neurologically, measurably, and experientially feel more. I am not removing a fast, urgent encounter from the menu, or any other preference that does not fit the description of “slow.” I am saying it is worth having both. More, if you will. And who does not want more?

I am also not claiming it is easy to transform your sex life overnight. For me, it was a long process of unlearning, followed by an extended period of intentional celibacy. I waited for an embodied yes that felt true to my body, mind, and self before returning to partnered sex and discovering the pleasure of long, slow intimacy. That said, it does not have to take that long, or require those same steps for you.

What I am saying is this: it is possible to find your embodied yes. It is possible to write your own scripts, and to follow your body’s cues of desire and pleasure, rather than inheriting someone else’s version of how sex should be.